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There are good guys and bad guys.

Orcs = militant "Muslims."

Women and CHILDREN use weapons.

Freedom isn't free.

Good guys use violence.

Humor: what really happened at Helm's Deep.

Why the Left hates Lord of the Rings

  1. There are easily-identifiable good guys and bad guys, which is totally contrary to the Left's position of moral equivalence.
    • To the Left, there is no difference between American soldiers and Saddam Hussein's secret police, or between the Israeli Defense Forces and Palestinian terrorists. Tolkien's Orcs, like militant "Muslims," produce nothing but violence, pillage, and rapine as opposed to the people of Rohan, who are shown growing food and caring for their families.
    • As a historical note, the Second World War doubtlessly influenced Tolkien's writings about a cataclysmic struggle between good and clearly identifiable evil (Hitler and Nazi Germany).
  2. The Orcs in the movie version are a lot like militant "Muslims."
    • They want to kill or enslave EVERYONE who is not an Orc. The evil wizard Saruman (played quite well by Christopher Lee) gives a Hitler speech from a balcony at the top of a huge minaret, I mean tower, in which he orders his Orc minions to attack the people of Rohan and kill them all: men, women, and children. The only thing missing is Saruman sticking his right hand out and yelling "Sieg!" to which the Orcs reply "Heil!"
      • Saruman and his minion Wormtongue realize that the convoy of Rohirrim that is going to Helm's Deep includes women and children. This is an ideal target for attack by Orcs who ride giant wolves. The women and children are saved, not by negotiation, touchy-feely conflict resolution techniques, or singing "Kumbaya" but by (drum roll...) VIOLENCE! The cavalry of Rohan does not even TRY to talk with the Orcs and get them in touch with their inner selves but attacks on sight with sword and lance!
      • Next we see the women, children, and old men hiding in terror in Helm's deep. The Orcs outside have been given direct orders to kill all they find, regardless of age or sex. The same fate awaits everyone in Gondor in the third movie, Return of the King.
    • Orcs, like militant "Muslims," are into cutting off heads. They throw the heads of slain Gondorian soldiers over the city's wall in Return of the King.
    • Orcs, like militant "Muslims," place no value on their own lives either.
      • In The Two Towers, a Palestinian Orc does an Olympic torch run into the explosives that the Orc sappers have put under the wall of Helm's Deep. Like a Palestinian homicide bomber, the Palestinian Orc blows himself up without a second thought. The Orcs who placed the charges didn't care about their comrades either because debris from the wall land in the middle of their army and inflict dozens of casualties.
      • The defenders are told quite rightly, "Show them no mercy for you will receive none."
    • When no non-Orcs are around, the Orcs often kill each other, just like militant "Muslims"-- maybe for being the wrong kind of Orc (Sunni or Shiite, for example).
  3. Women and CHILDREN use weapons to defend their lives and homes.
    • King Theoden's niece Eowyn remarks quite rightly that "the women of Rohan learned long ago that those who have no swords can still die on them." I suspect this is where all members of the Million Mom March (Donna Dees-Thomases, Hillary Clinton, Mary Leigh Blek, and so on) shrieked in horror and walked out of the movie. (The Second Amendment Sisters, of course, probably awarded Eowyn an honorary membership.)
    • It is fortunate for the Million Mom March that they left the movie at this point because, shortly afterward, TEENAGE BOYS are being handed lethal weapons at Helm's Deep. Although this is totally contrary to the Million Mom March's and Brady Campaign's position that people under eighteen (twenty-one in some cases) should not be allowed to own weapons, King Theoden had to do this because he had too few able-bodied defenders for his stronghold. (The Orcs plan to slaughter all the civilians if they break in.)
      • Now here is a real wake-up call for the Million Moms and perhaps Michael Moore as well, especially if they object to programs that teach children and teenagers how to use guns. Those boys at Helm's Deep were not handling swords for the first time in their lives. A sword is a high-skill weapon and handing one to someone who has never used one is little better than sending him out to be killed as if he was unarmed. The boys of Rohan obviously played and practiced, at least with wooden swords if not real ones, so they were able to use the ones they were issued even if they lacked the strength of full-grown men.
  4. Freedom isn't free but the only things worse than war all come with defeat.
    • When King Theoden leads his riders to lift the siege of Gondor (a scene reminiscent of King John Sobieski's relief of Vienna in 1683, when Islamofascist Turks were trying to sack and loot the city), none of his followers expects much chance of survival. One says, "We can't win," to which the King replies, "We will fight them nonetheless." Everyone is scared. The heroine Eowyn and her passenger, the hobbit Merry, are terrified. However, the Orc pikemen are even more scared and the audience knows it is all over for them when their pikemen take their first step backward.* The Orcs are routed but the price is high: King Theoden, who has already lost his son, is killed and Eowyn is wounded.
    • Later on, Aragorn is willing to sacrifice an entire army (including himself) to divert the Orcs and give Frodo time to destroy the Ring.
  5. The Good Guys do not hesitate to resolve conflicts with violence.
    • Recall how Sam Gamgee chops up several Orcs while proclaiming, "That's for Frodo! That's for the Shire! And that's for my old Gaffer!" The idea of a man (or hobbit) killing enemy soldiers to protect his friend, country, and family is totally repulsive to the Left but I liked that scene.
* The movie producers probably did some historical research on this. It was a well-known rule of 16th-19th century warfare that cavalry could not break an infantry formation that stood its ground. French cuirassiers could not, for example, break the British squares at Waterloo. If a few infantrymen, perhaps even only one, lost their nerve and stepped out of the line of pikes and bayonets, however, the cavalry could break into the formation and cut them to pieces. On the other hand, the Roman Orcs at Helm's Deep (the ones with the large rectangular shields) did not form a proper tortoise formation because they left their left sides completely exposed to the archers on the wall. This is probably where Julius Caesar and Scipio Africanus walked out of the theatre...

It is still my theory, however, that Gandalf borrowed some Polish Husaria to defeat the Macedonian Orcs (the ones with the long pikes) at Helm's Deep because those Orcs did not seem to flinch at the cavalry charge. Poland's Winged Hussars were the only cavalry with the training, tactical doctrine, and equipment (a 15-20 foot lance known as a kopia) that could break a pike formation even if the pikemen stood their ground. So here is what really happened:
  • Gandalf opened a magic portal between Helm's Deep and Vienna (12 September 1683), when King Jan Sobieski was just finishing off the Turkish besiegers. He then created an optical illusion in which the White Hand of Isengard was transformed into Turkish crescents and the Orcs' gutteral war cries were translated into Turkish.
  • The winged hussars made the obvious assumption ("Look! There are more of them!"), charged the Orcs ahead of the Riders of Rohan, and broke the Orcs' front as they would have done to any other pikemen. The Rohirrim followed and did the rest.
  • The Poles, upon discovering that the strange-looking Turks they had just killed had nothing of value to capture as prizes of war, turned around and went back through the portal. "What kind of Turks are these? There's not a single coffee bean, jeweled stirrup, or cannon among them!" (Coffee was one of the prizes taken at Vienna and Jan Sobieski captured the Grand Vizier's jeweled stirrup.)
Of course, all this was shown in only one frame-- about 1/30th of a second-- so most of the audience didn't see it. :^)

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