Absentee ballot: (voter received assistance from Democratic ward boss).  "Reason for absentee ballot: illness or disability. The voter was wrapped completely in bandages and was therefore unable to go to the polls."

Procedure: The deceased's brain is removed through his nose and discarded. This step qualifies the subject to vote for Bill Clinton, since even a dead person with any brains would vote against him. An incision is made in the body, and the lungs, liver, stomach, and intestines are removed. These are mummified and placed in Canopic jars. Since each Canopic jar holds part of the mummy, each Canopic jar gets to vote, too. Instead of "one man, one vote," it's "one mummy, five votes." Richard Daley, Sr. must be jealous. The body is dried with natron. The embalmers wrap the body with linen (possibly stuffing it). Excess linen is used to stuff the ballot box. Priests chant prayers, the mummy is placed in an ornate coffin and a sarcophagous, and the assembly goes into the pyramid. Before the burial chamber is sealed, Democratic National Committee members assure that the mummy does not lose his voting privileges simply because he is dead. "And how would you like to register, Mr. Im-Hotep? Democratic, you say? All right, we won't let you forget to vote."

Absentee ballot request form for registered Chicago Democrats: "Quantity desired ____________"

William Jefferson Clinton

Hillary Rodham Clinton

New (2/23/99). I thought of this one after reading "Juanita Broaddrick Meets the Press," Wall Street Journal, 2/19/99, page A18. "The argument [that they were both married] failed to persuade Mr. Clinton, who, she says, got her onto the bed, held her down forcibly, and bit her lips. The sexual entry itself was not without some pain, she recalls, because of her stiffness and resistance. When it was over, she says, he looked down at her and said not to worry, he was sterile- he had had mumps when he was a child." (C) Created with CorelPhotoPaint and CorelGallery Magic

"The Commentraitors," in Review and Outlook, Wall Street Journal, 3/10/99 "Mr. Hickey's [Juanita Broaddrick's son] credibility was such that two other former Clinton aides, Dee Dee Myers and David Gergen, followed up to say they found both mother and son believable. This startled CNN's Jeff Greenfield, who noted that this meant that two former aides were essentially saying they thing Bill Clinton might be a rapist." The same article discusses Clinton lawyer David Kendall's response to Ms. Broaddrick's allegation: "It reads, 'Any allegation that the president assaulted Ms. Broaddrick more than 20 years ago is absolutely false. Beyond that we are not going to comment.'" "We have learned that this President chooses his words carefully, and we note that 20 years ago no Ms. Broaddrick existed. Her name was Juanita Hickey." I'd also point out that no one ever accused Jimmy Carter (who was President 20 years ago) of even being unfaithful to his wife, or going beyond "lusting after women in [his] heart." Now, could Mr. Kendall discuss the allegation that the Attorney General of Arkansas assaulted Juanita Hickey in a hotel room?

Note: President Clinton is legally not a rapist, since he has never been convicted of this offense. Since the statute of limitations has expired for the alleged assault on Juanita Broaddrick/Hickey, however, this case can never be tried in a court of law. (Evidence similar to that presented by Ms. Broaddrick- a woman's credible story even without corroborating testimony- was apprently sufficient to convict boxer Mike Tyson of sexual assualt several years ago. In Ms. Broaddrick's/Hickey's case, two witnesses- nurse Norma Rogers and future husband David Broaddrick- saw lip injuries consistent with her story. Ms. Rogers also saw Ms. Broaddrick's torn pantyhose.) The key point of this picture is that it grabs attention: a viewer who would never have stopped to read the Wall Street Journal excerpt would probably read it after seeing the picture.

Another thought- Bill Clinton supported legislation that bars persons with misdemeanor domestic violence records from possessing handguns. What is his position on rapists having access to nuclear weapons?

The Clinton Spin Doctors Strike Back!

Mmmmph! Gwiffle shumpf mmmphummmph yummph schlumpph!

Carville's wife is the famous political commentator and herpetologist Mary Matalin- she apparently fell in love with this fascinating subject of her herpetology studies.

Indiana Jones: "Snakes. I hate snakes."
 

This ceremonial mask was seen at the Field Museum of Natural History's "Pacific Spirits" exhibit. It is supposedly quite old, but I suspect that the natives made it to commemorate President Clinton's visit to their island. It is probably based on the President's greeting to their female citizens- similar to his alleged greetings to Paula Jones and Juanita Broaddrick. (The "censored" box over the First Member is somewhat gratuitous. The mask is considered acceptable for display to persons of all ages in a museum.)

A Letter to the President

Dear Mr. President:

    It's not about sex. If it were about sex, you would be long gone. Just like a doctor, attorney or teacher who had
sex with a patient,client or student half his age, you would have violated the ethics of your office and would be
long gone. Just like a Sergeant Major of the Army, Gene McKinney, who though found not guilty, was forced to
resign amid accusations of sexual abuse. Remember the Air Force General you wouldn't nominate to be
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff because he freely admitted to an affair almost 15 years before, while he and
his wife were separated? Unlike you, he was never accused of having a starry-eyed office assistant my
daughter's age perform oral sex on him while he was on the phone and his wife and daughter were upstairs. If it
were about sex, you should be subjected to the same horrible hearings that Clarence Thomas was subjected to
because of the accusations of Anita Hill. The only accusation then was that he talked dirty to her; He didn't even
leave semen stains on her dress.
     No, it's not about sex. It's about character. It's about lying. It's about arrogance. It's about abuse of power. It's
about dodging the draft and lying about it. When caught in a lie by letters you wrote, you concocted a story that
nobody believed. But we excused it and looked away. It's about smoking dope, and lying about it. "I didn't
inhale," you said. Sure, and when I was 15 and my buddies and I swiped a beer from an unwatched refrigerator,
we drank from it, but we didn't swallow.
    "I broke no laws of the United States," you said. That's right, you smoked dope in England or Norway or
Moscow; where you were demonstrating against the U.S.A. You lied, but we excused it and looked away.
    It's about you selling overnight stays in the White House to any foreigner or other contributor with untraceable
cash. It's about Whitewater and Jim and Susan McDougal and Arkansas, Gov. Jim Guy Tucker and Vincent Foster
and Jennifer Flowers and Paula Jones and Karen Willey and nearly countless others. It's about stealing the
records from Foster's office while his body was still warm and putting them in your bedroom and "not noticing
them" for two years.
    It's about illegal political contributions. It's about you and Al Gore soliciting contributions and selling influence
at Buddhist temples and in the same Oval Office where Abraham Lincoln and Franklin Roosevelt led their
countries through the dark days of wars that threatened the very existence of our nation. But we excused you
and looked away.
    It's about hiding evidence from Ken Starr, refusing to testify, filing legal motions, coaching witnesses,
obstruction of justice and delaying Judge Starr's inquiry for months and years, and then complaining that it has
gone on too long. The polls agreed. Thank goodness that Judge Starr didn't read the polls, play politics or excuse
you and look away. He held on to the evidence like a tenacious bulldog.
    Your supporters say that you've confessed your wrong doings and asked for our forgiveness. Listen, what
you said on TV the night you testified to the grand jury was not a confession. Confession in the face of
overwhelming evidence is not a confession at all. Not that it would make a lot of difference. A murderer who
contritely confesses his crime is still a murderer. When your "confession" didn't sell, even to your friends, you
became more forthcoming. Maybe someday you'll confess more, but probably not. You've established such
pattern of lying that we can't believe you anymore. Neither can your Cabinet, the Congress or any of the leaders
of the nations of the world. When a leader's actions defame and emasculate our country as profoundly as yours
have, it is no longer a personal matter, as you claim. It's no longer a matter among you, your family and your
God. By the way, I don't believe for a minute that Hillary was unaware of your sexual misadventures, abuses of
power and pattern of lying. She has been a party to your wrongdoings since Whitewater and Jennifer Flowers
just as surely as she lied about the Rose law firm's billings and hid the Vincent Foster evidence in your bedroom
for two years.
    Why? So she could share in the raw power that your office carries. The two of you probably lied to Chelsea,
but that is a matter among you, your family and your God. Remember the sign over James Carvill's desk during
the l992 campaign? It said, "It's the economy, stupid! Place this sign over your desk: "It's about character,
stupid!" No, it's not about sex, Mr. President. If it were, you would be long gone. It's about character; but we have
to live with your filth, lies and arrogance for a while longer. Your lies, amorality and lack of character have been
as pervasive as they have been despicable, so we have no reason to believe that you will quietly resign and go
away. You'll count on half truths and spin doctors to see you through, the country be damned. It has always
worked before. We excused you and looked the other way. No more, we've had enough.
    You betrayed us enough. You have made every elected official, minister, teacher, diplomat, parent and
grandparent in the country apologize for you and explain away your actions. Now go away, and let us show them
that our country was not without morals. It was just that you were. Let us show them that America was not the
problem. William Jefferson Clinton was.
    Go away, Mr. President. Leave us alone. And when you leave, know that your legacy to the United States of
America will be a stain on the Office of the President that is as filthy as the stain on Monica's dress. It will take a
lot of scrubbing to make it clean again.
Signed:
Eric Jowers
U.S. Army Public Affairs Officer (Ret.)
Fort Rucker from 1989 to 1991.
He lives in Ozark, Alabama.