Hell Online

Dante's Inferno for the 21st Century

A Welcome Message from Arioch, Duke of Hell

O.K., what's this online Dante's Inferno all about? It's a way to express my opinion (primarily moderate Libertarian- any civilized nation needs some laws and some taxes, but otherwise government should stay the hell ;-) out of its citizens' lives.) of current issues. And it's a way to entice visitors into my domains, i.e. my Web domain :-). Wait a minute, to heck with the standard smiley faces, it's more like }:-)>       } horns, > goatee beard
Anyway, look at what I've come to- settling for Web page visits instead of souls. But I think I'm the first person on the Web to reconstruct Dante's Inferno, complete with the nine circles of Hell, including the ten Bolgias, or pits. Then I had a lot of fun populating these regions. I've tossed in a couple of animations (boiling blood and boiling pitch), but I've tried to restrict the graphics bandwidth- some people think that eternal punishment consists of slow-loading pages. To show that I don't dislike all political figures, though, I've included a Purgatory and a Heaven. Image credits and copyright information.

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Disclaimer: This site represents the author's personal opinion of the public figures he has placed within. Unless specifically stated otherwise, no inhabitant is under suspicion of, or has been convicted of, a criminal offense such as graft, theft, treason, etc.

All images created with Corel Clip Art/ CorelDraw and Corel PhotoPaint.

The Vestibule of Hell: Opportunists

Here are those who were neither good nor evil, but only for themselves. They pursue a banner they will never catch, and they are tormented by wasps and hornets.
  • Bill Clinton
  • John F. Kerry "I voted for the war before I voted against it!"
  • Barack Obama

First Circle: Virtuous Pagans

Second Circle: The Carnal

The Winds. The souls of the Carnal are carried along in the tempest. 
  • Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn (forced to take a general discharge for adultery, lying, and disobeying orders). But she had a perfect defense for the first two charges: "I was following the example of the Scumbag, excuse me, Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces of the United States, Sir!"

Third Circle: The Gluttons

The souls of the Gluttons are immersed in stinking snow and freezing rain. Cerberus, the three-headed dog of Hades, tears at them. The Third Circle resembles a giant garbage dump. (Yes, spammers belong here... or the 2nd bolgia)
  • Bill Clinton, also known as Slick Willie, consumes his Big Macs and Whoppers (as he tells whoppers)
  • Al Sharpton, of Tawana Brawley fame. Oink, oink, oink....
    • Sharpton and Company were the ones throwing accusations (later shown to be false) around Wappingers Falls, New York, accusing locals of raping Tawana Brawley.
  • Filmmaker Michael Moore, who calls the Iraqi bomb-planters and head-choppers "Minutemen"
  • Rosie O'Donnell, who says,  "I don't care if you want to hunt. I don't care if you think it's your right. I say:  Sorry, it's 1999. We have had enough as a nation. You are not allowed to own a gun, and if you do own a gun I think you should go to prison." Well, Rosie, I think you should go to Hell -- and here you are!

Fourth Circle: Hoarders and Wasters

The Hoarders and Wasters push great weights against each other.

Fifth Circle: Wrathful and Sullen

The souls of the Wrathful and Sullen are in the marsh of the River Styx, immersed in foul slime. 

Sixth Circle: Heretics

The souls are imprisoned in fiery, red-hot tombs. Since "heresy" is a byproduct of religious intolerance, those who denounce members of other faiths as heretics will be placed here.
  • The "Religious Right"

Seventh Circle, Round One: The Violent

The Lake of Boiling Blood. Mass-murdering dictators and terrorists belong here.
  • Yasser Arafat
  • Hafaz Assad (Syria)
  • Saddam Hussein (Iraq)
  • Osama bin Laden, Al Qaeda
  • Hideki Tojo
  • Joseph Stalin
  • Adolf Hitler 
  • Moammar Khadafy (Libya)
  • The Mainland Chinese government (Remember Tibet, Tianaman Square)
  • Slobodan Milosevic
  • Osama bin Laden
  • Kim Jong Il
  • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Seventh Circle, Round Two: The Violent Wasters (Squanderers and Destroyers of Goods)

The sinners are pursued by packs of dogs that tear them to pieces. May as well put irresponsible squandering politicians and government agencies here, too.
  • The Social Security pyramid scheme (squandering payments and writing IOUs instead of investing payments responsibly)

Seventh Circle, Round Three: Usurers and Violent Against Nature and Art

The Plain of Burning Sand. What the hell (so to speak)- may as well put animal abusers here, too.
    People who abuse racing greyhounds. Follow the link for more information on this issue..

Eighth Circle (Malebolge)

The Fraudulent and Malicious

Bolgia 1: Panderers and Seducers

They are forced to run in circles by horned devils with whips.

Bolgia 2: Flatterers

The Flatterers reside in a river of excrement and sewage. O.K., we'll put spammers in here, too.
Typical spammer
  • Hmmm, given this description, spammers(Internet bulk E-mailers) belong in this bolgia.
  • Rachel from Cardholder Services (telemarketing scam; do NOT give this caller ANY credit card information!)

Bolgia 3: Simonaics (sellers of God's favors)

The Simonaics lie on their heads in vertical tubes (baptismal fonts) while fire burns on the soles of their feet. "Put your trust in Jaysus and your money in my pocket, and you will most assuredly go to the Promised Land when you die."
  • Jim Bakker of the Pass the Loot, I mean, Praise the Lord, televangelist organization.
  • Scientology: do you REALLY believe in Evil Galactic Overlord Xenu?
  • In general, all the "Pay to Pray" televangelists.

Bolgia 4: Fortune Tellers and Diviners

The sinners' heads are turned backward, and they must walk backward to see where they are going.
  • All 900-number "Psychic Hotlines"

Bolgia 5:  Grafters

The lake of boiling pitch. Devils with pitchforks torment anyone who tries to get out of the boiling pitch. All crooked politicians go here.
  • Ex-Congressman and chairman of the Ways and Means Committee (and convicted felon) Dan Rostenkowski, the Prince of Pork, and another friend of Bill Clinton. Remember how Dan tried to stick senior citizens with the bill for his national health insurance plan?
  • Boss Tweed of Tammany Hall
  • Bill Clinton, "money for pardons"

Bolgia 6: Hypocrites

Orignally religious hypocrites, but political ones can go here, too. The Hypocrites are compelled to wear gilded leaden robes, which symbolize the weight of their deceits.
Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA)
  • Ex-Congressman (NY) (and now con, as in convicted felon) Mario Biaggi, who said that only police officers should have handguns. Biaggi (a congressman, not a police officer) owned two handguns.
  • Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), who's fond of gun control- for everybody but her. She has a permit to carry a handgun in California.
  • Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) who's for gun control- but one of his bodyguards was arrested for carrying a machine gun into the Senate. (I think the man got off- to paraphrase Leona Helmsley, "Gun laws are for the little people," not wealthy and influental Senators and their employees.)
  • Rosie O'Donnell; when she says "you aren't allowed to own a gun," she means you, not her (or her bodyguard)
  • Washington Post columnist Carl Rowan, who once said that anyone who owns an illegal handgun should go to jail. Rowan later shot a trespasser with an unregistered handgun, but he managed to avoid going to jail. Of course, he's an influental columnist. To paraphrase Leona Helmsley, "Gun laws are for the little people," not influental Washington Post columnists.
Of course, since Carl Rowan avoided a gun charge, this is a good precedent for juries to acquit anyone else who possesses a gun in defiance of Washington, DC's gun laws. Know your rights as a juror; follow this link, or visit the Fully Informed Jury Association (FIJA).

Bolgia 7: Thieves

The Thieves are tormented by snakes and reptiles.
  • All "Make Money Fast" scammers, especially spammers on the Internet
  • Most car salesmen (new and used)

Bolgia 8: Evil Counselors

The Evil Counselors are imprisoned in great flames, which symbolize their own guilty consciences.
  • President First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton, for her attempt to saddle the country with socialized medicine
  • Lady Macbeth, with whom Hillary Clinton communes frequently. (She says she communes with Joan of Arc and Eleanor Roosevelt, but we know differently. We think she has a hotline to Lucretia Borgia, too.)
  • Olympias, mother of Alexander the Great. Probably encouraged a disgruntled Macedonian to murder Philip II, her ex-husband. Threw her rival's baby into a fire (the baby was Philip's, and a rival to Alexander.) In a recent interview, she said, "Lady Macbeth was a wimp." We think she's one of Hillary's confidantes, too.
Hillary is having trouble with her Secret Service detail. They refuse to march around her house while carrying polearms and chanting, "Ho-re-oh! Eeyo-hum!" Her Secret Service agents must escort her, however, so they're going to Hogwarts School for broom-flying lessons. If it starts to rain they are to throw themselves on top of her to protect her, for she must not get wet; they are also to watch for cyclones that might drop houses on her.

Bolgia 9: Sowers of Discord

The Sowers of Discord are punished by a demon who hacks them apart with a bloody sword.
  • Louis Farrakahn ("Judaism is a gutter religion")
  • Al "Bloodsucking Jews and White Interlopers" Sharpton
  • All white supremacist organizations (KKK, Aryan Nations)
  • All black supremacist organizations (Al Sharpton's National Action Network)
  • For that matter, all "anything" supremacist organizations
  • Ayatollah Khomeini
  • Gore campaign manager Donna Brazile for calling General Colin Powell a "token"
  • Jeremiah Wright, Barack Obama's racist pastor
  • Al Sharpton
  • MoveOn.org, anti-Semitic and anti-Catholic hate organization

Bolgia 10: Falsifiers and Frauds (counterfeiters,  bearers of false witness, and liars in general). 

Also sellers of fraudulent/unsafe products. The Falsifiers and Frauds are punished by stench, filth, madness, and loathsome diseases.
  • The Million Mom March
  • Proprietors of "Make Money Fast" schemes on the Internet.
  • The tobacco industry, which knowingly sells a product that causes hundreds of thousands of deaths annually.
  • Joe McCarthy
  • Albert Gore, for trying to steal the Presidential election.
  • David Boies, for aiding and abetting Gore's attempt to steal the election
  • William Daley, son of Richard "Night of the Voting Dead" Daley Sr.
  • Donna Dees-Thomases, organizer of the Million Mom March.
    • Until a day or so before the march, the Million Moms represented themselves as a tax exempt 501(c)(3) organization, and a grassroots movement. 501(c)(3)s are not permitted to endorse candidates, but the Million Moms praised candidates with their "Apple Pie Award" page and condemned House Majority Whip Tom DeLay (R-TX) with their "Time Out Chair." 
    • Then the Million Moms announced that they had "decided" to become a political action committee that would endorse candidates-- after accepting supposedly tax-exempt donations. An innovative way to fund Hillary Clinton for Senate and Al Gore for President? We've already seen the Buddhist temples, the Chinese soft money donations, and the misappropriation of union members' dues by labor bosses who were in bed with the Democratic National Committee. So now it's tax-exempt individual and corporate donations, eh? The actual use of that money should be looked into.
    • The Million Moms knowingly and willfully lied to their marchers, sponsors, and media contacts about "12 children a day" dying from gunfire. Rosie O'Donnell also lied to her audience at the Million Mom March about "12 children a day."
    • "Ordinary mother" Donna Dees-Thomases is the sister-in-law of Hillary Clinton's best friend, Susan Thomases. Any questions?
  • New York Governor George Pataki, for filing a lawsuit against gun manufacturers. hey, George, why don't you join the Democratic Party? Get out of the G.O.P.
    • Same for New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and Attorney General Andrew Cuomo, who have also proposed suing gun manufacturers.
  • Durham District Attorney Mike Nifong.
    • Also the Durham Dirtbag who accused the players but now can't even remember if she was raped, and had DNA from several other men (not the defendants) on her.
  • Rachel from Cardholder Services  Credit card interest rate reduction scam, with illegal telemarketing practices in the bargain.
  • Luzerne County judges Mark Ciavarella and Michael Conahan (or is that "Con Man?")

Ninth Circle: Cocytus (Compound Fraud, or Treason)

The Traitors are buried in a lake of ice. The depth of their burial depends on their guilt.

Round One: Caina (Traitors to Kin)

Named for Cain, who murdered his brother
  • Aggripina, who poisoned her husband, the Emperor Claudius, so her son Nero could become Emperor.
  • Nero, who murdered his mother Aggripina.

Round Two: Antenora (Traitors to Country)

  • Lyndon Baines Johnson, for his betrayal of the United States' armed forces in the Vietnam War (committing them and then not giving them the resources and authority to win). It recently came out that LBJ knew the war was unwinnable (at least the way he was running it), but he kept fighting it to preserve his own political career.
  • Jane Fonda, for posing in a North Vietnamese gun emplacement during the Vietnam War.
     (This is my opinion of Ms. Fonda's visit to North Vietnam. It's quite likely that her action was not "treason" under law since the United States had not declared war on North Vietnam.) But "Vietnam veterans aren't Fonda Jane"- and neither am I.
    • Now, this is really punishment- put LBJ and Jane Fonda in the ice side by side for eternity!
  • The Global Warming Treaty, as currently written. Any Senator who votes to ratify it belongs in Antenora. (That's one way to save energy- Cocytus, the Lake of Ice, isn't heated! No CO2 emissions down here!) See U.S. News & World Report, 12/22/97, page 48. The United States must spend billions of dollars (i.e. its citizens must spend billions of dollars) to shave a fraction of a billion metric tons of carbon dioxide from its emissions. But developing nations don't need to spend anything. In fact, their emissions will double, treaty or no treaty. Mainland China, for example, will be able to pollute as much as it wants (probably killing its own people, but that's never been a problem over there), and take jobs from American workers (whose goods will be even less competitive because of the treaty's compliance costs.) Meanwhile, South American countries can continue to cut down the rainforests, which play a key role in using carbon dioxide and making oxygen.
  • John F. Kerry, for giving the North Vietnamese and Viet Cong war crime confessions-- while American POWs were enduring torture rather than do the same thing. Then he did the same thing to our men and women in Iraq, by accusing them of "terrorizing" Iraqis.
  • Filmmaker Michael Moore, who is cheerleading for the Iraqi insurgents (he calls them Minutemen) who are killing our soldiers
  • Shadowy billionaire international financier (and, per a French court's verdict, convicted inside trader) George Soros, for wanting to turn American sovereignty over to the United Nations. 

Round Three: Ptolomea (Traitors to Guests and Hosts)

  • Macbeth, who murdered King Duncan while the latter was his guest.
  • Moammar Khadafy, whose regime is threatening to execute several Bulgarian nurses and a Palestinian doctor as scapegoats for an AIDS epidemic (noting that the foreign aid workers were guests in his country, who were trying to help his people).

Round Four: Judecca (Traitors to Benefactors)

Named, appropriately, for Judas
  • Smith & Wesson, for its political sellout of its American firearm customers.

The Center of Hell: Satan

Talk about being two-faced- actually, he should be chewing on a sinner with each mouth, but there's a limit as to what can be done with clip art. Anyway, he'd rather have a Big Mac in one, a Whopper in another, and leave the third one free to tell whoppers. 
  • Refuses to enforce a Supreme Court ruling that prohibits unions from stealing their members' dues for political campaigns- of course, given the relationship between some of the unions (management, not Joe and Jane Blue-Collar) and the Democratic National Committee, this is not surprising.
  • Won't deploy missile defenses to keep Mainland China from nuking Los Angeles (as they mentioned that they could do during the Taiwan crisis)
  • Tried to stick the country with socialized medicine (Hillarycare).
  • See the editorial page of the Wall Street Journal for periodic updates.

Bill Clinton jokes: 

Explanation of industrial "cost of quality," using Bill Clinton: 
  • Prevention: Bill uses a condom
  • Appraisal: Bill's girlfriend is tested for pregnancy
  • Internal failure (problem caught before leaving the factory): Bill's girlfriend gets abortion
  • External failure (problem gets sent to customer): "Ma! Ma! Where's my Pa?" "Gone to the White House, ha ha ha!"
Little Johnny called the Arkansas State Police and said, "I need you to set me up with a woman." 
"What?" answered the dispatcher. 
"I need you to set me up with a woman for sex," said Little Johnny. 
"Wait, we're the Arkansas State Police, and we arrest pim---, uh, men who set other men up with women for sex. Anyway, aren't you a bit young for that sort of thing, kid?" 
"No, I want to be President of the United States when I grow up, and I want to get an early start." 

Little Johnny went to a motel in Arkansas, and he heard some strange noises coming out of a room. Before he could investigate, he was stopped by a Secret Service agent. "You can't go in there, kid, that's the President." 
The Secret Service hadn't secured the motel thoroughly, though. Little Johnny climbed a tree and watched the proceedings through the room's window. Afterward, he went home and told his father about his adventure. 
"The President was in bed with this beautiful blonde in her early 20s," Johnny said. 
"You're too young to know what he was doing with her, though," answered his father. 
"No, I'm not," Little Johnny replied indignantly. "He was doing to the blonde what he's been doing to the country since January 1993." 

Someone asked a Republican why he had put a treadmill on top of a manure cart. 
"I wanted to run on Bill Clinton's platform." 

Update (10/21/11)! The Unga-Bunga Story

Barack Obama visited some Native Americans during a campaign tour, and he gave a speech. "I promise you the most ethical administration in this country's history!" he declared. 
"Unga-bunga, unga-bunga!" shouted the Indians. 
"I will stand up for the common citizen!" 
"Unga-bunga, unga-bunga!" answered the Indians. Now Barack Obama thought he was on a roll. 
"I will preserve the Social Security system and balance the budget!" 
"Unga-bunga! Unga-bunga! Unga-bunga!" 
As  Barack Obama walked through the town, he passed the Chief's house. "That's a good-looking bull you've got there, Chief." 
"Thank you, Mr. President. Bull called unga in our language. Oh, be careful; don't step in the unga-bunga." 

Washington DC is cancelling Halloween and Thanksgiving in 2001. The witch is moving to New York, and the turkey is going with her.

Want to see a highly offensive and grossly obscene joke? Just watch  Barack Obama's State of the Union address.

Quiz: Every Man Has His Price.Which of the following incentives would be enough to get Bill Clinton to sell out the vital interests of the United States (e.g. by adopting the Global Warming Treaty)? 

  • (a) Being allowed to gratify his lust for Paula Jones
  • (b) $1 million in soft money from Mainland China, directed to the Democratic National Committee's coffers (laundered, of course)
  • (c) $1 million in soft money from organized labor bosses* (stolen via extra dues from rank-and-file blue collar workers and funneled to the DNC) in exchange for not enforcing laws against using union member dues for political campaigns without their consent
  • (d) A Big Mac
  • (e) A Big Mac and fries
  • (f) Any of the above
* the ones who call a strike, continue to collect their six-figure salaries, and call any working guy or gal who crosses the picket line a scab.

 (Purgatory is "below" Hell because Dante and Virgil had to descend to the bottom of Hell to find the route to Purgatory.)


Here reside those who are changing their evil ways
  • New York Mayor Rudolph Guliani (formerly in the 10th Bolgia), for filing a frivolous and dishonest lawsuit against firearm manufacturers. He also belongs in Hell for allowing rioters to assault innocent citizens in Central Park, just like his predecessor David Dinkins allowed rioters to trash Crown Heights. However, he did a sterling job in the aftermath of the vicious terrorist attacks of 9/11, so he has been moved to Purgatory to reflect his redemption.



People with good character, common sense, or both. (We need more of them.)
  • Margaret Thatcher. Queen Elizabeth I would have been proud.
  • Catherine II, "The Great," of Russia
    • Wanted to eliminate serfdom (but there was too much resistance from the nobles). Refused the title "The Great" during her lifetime. Had a new smallpox vaccine tested on herself before giving it to her subjects. The story about the horse falling on her was apparently French propaganda.
  • The Founding Fathers of the United States.
  • Robert A. Heinlein, whose science fiction works illustrate the Libertarian philosophy.
  • Philip K. Howard, author of "The Death of Common Sense."
  • Alan Greenspan, Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board: responsible for the nation's economic prosperity. (Bill Clinton, of course, tried to take the credit.)
  • Rush Limbaugh. Self-explanatory.
  • Michael Savage. Self-explanatory
  • Sean Hannity. Self-explanatory
  • Columnist Thomas Sowell. Self-explanatory
  • Walter Williams
  • Roy Innis
  • Ward Connerly
  • Dorothy Rabinowitz, the Wall Street Journal columnist who exposed the Nifonging of the Amiraults and Grant Snowden on false child molestation charges by ambitious and allegedly less-than-scrupulous prosecutors.

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