The Vestibule of Hell: Opportunists
Here are those who were neither good nor evil, but only for themselves.
They pursue a banner they will never catch, and they are tormented by
- Bill Clinton
- John F. Kerry "I voted for
the war before I voted against it!"
- Barack Obama
First Circle: Virtuous Pagans
Second Circle: The Carnal
The Winds. The souls of the Carnal are carried along in the
- Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn (forced to take a general
adultery, lying, and disobeying orders). But she had a perfect defense
for the first two charges: "I was following the example of the Scumbag,
excuse me, Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces of the United States,
Third Circle: The Gluttons
The souls of the Gluttons are immersed in stinking snow and freezing
the three-headed dog of Hades, tears at them. The Third Circle
a giant garbage dump. (Yes, spammers belong here... or the 2nd
- Bill Clinton, also
known as Slick Willie, consumes his Big
and Whoppers (as he tells whoppers)
- Al Sharpton,
of Tawana Brawley fame. Oink, oink, oink....
- Sharpton and Company were the ones throwing accusations
(later shown to
be false) around Wappingers Falls, New York, accusing locals of raping
- Filmmaker Michael Moore,
who calls the Iraqi bomb-planters and head-choppers "Minutemen"
O'Donnell, who says, "I don't care if you want to
hunt. I don't care if you think it's your right. I say: Sorry,
1999. We have had enough as a nation. You are not allowed to own a gun,
and if you do own a gun I think you should go to prison." Well,
Rosie, I think you should go to Hell -- and here you are!
Fourth Circle: Hoarders and Wasters
The Hoarders and Wasters push great weights against each other.
Fifth Circle: Wrathful and Sullen
The souls of the Wrathful and Sullen are in the marsh of the River
immersed in foul slime.
Sixth Circle: Heretics
The souls are imprisoned in fiery, red-hot tombs. Since "heresy" is a
of religious intolerance, those who denounce members of other faiths as
heretics will be placed here.
Seventh Circle, Round One: The Violent
The Lake of Boiling Blood. Mass-murdering dictators and terrorists
- Hafaz Assad (Syria)
- Saddam Hussein (Iraq)
bin Laden, Al Qaeda
- Hideki Tojo
- Joseph Stalin
- Adolf Hitler
- Moammar Khadafy (Libya)
- The Mainland Chinese government
(Remember Tibet, Tianaman
- Slobodan Milosevic
- Osama bin Laden
- Kim Jong Il
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Seventh Circle, Round Two: The Violent
and Destroyers of Goods)
The sinners are pursued by packs of dogs that tear them to pieces. May
as well put irresponsible squandering politicians and government
- The Social Security pyramid scheme
payments and writing IOUs instead of investing payments responsibly)
Seventh Circle, Round Three: Usurers and
Nature and Art
The Plain of Burning Sand. What the hell (so to speak)- may as well put
animal abusers here, too.
People who abuse racing
greyhounds. Follow the link for more information on this
Eighth Circle (Malebolge)
The Fraudulent and Malicious
Bolgia 1: Panderers and Seducers
They are forced to run in circles by horned devils with whips.
Bolgia 2: Flatterers
The Flatterers reside in a river of excrement and sewage. O.K., we'll
in here, too.
- Hmmm, given this description, spammers(Internet
bulk E-mailers) belong in this bolgia.
- Rachel from Cardholder Services (telemarketing scam; do NOT
give this caller ANY credit card information!)
Bolgia 3: Simonaics (sellers of God's favors)
The Simonaics lie on their heads in vertical tubes (baptismal fonts)
fire burns on the soles of their feet. "Put your trust in Jaysus
and your money in my pocket, and you will most
go to the Promised Land when you die."
- Jim Bakker of the Pass the
Loot, I mean, Praise
the Lord, televangelist organization.
- Scientology: do you
REALLY believe in Evil Galactic Overlord Xenu?
- In general, all the "Pay to Pray" televangelists.
Bolgia 4: Fortune Tellers and Diviners
The sinners' heads are turned backward, and they must walk backward to
see where they are going.
- All 900-number "Psychic Hotlines"
Bolgia 5: Grafters
The lake of boiling pitch. Devils with pitchforks torment anyone who
to get out of the boiling pitch. All crooked politicians go here.
- Ex-Congressman and chairman of the Ways and Means Committee
felon) Dan Rostenkowski, the Prince of
and another friend of Bill Clinton.
Remember how Dan tried to stick senior citizens with the bill for his
health insurance plan?
- Boss Tweed of Tammany Hall
- Bill Clinton,
Bolgia 6: Hypocrites
Orignally religious hypocrites, but political ones can go here, too.
Hypocrites are compelled to wear gilded leaden robes, which symbolize
weight of their deceits.
Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA)
Of course, since Carl Rowan avoided a gun charge, this is a good
for juries to acquit anyone else who possesses a gun in defiance of
DC's gun laws. Know your rights as a juror; follow this
link, or visit the Fully Informed Jury Association (FIJA).
- Ex-Congressman (NY) (and now con, as in convicted felon) Mario
Biaggi, who said that only police officers should have
Biaggi (a congressman, not a police officer) owned two handguns.
- Senator Dianne
Feinstein (D-CA), who's fond of gun control- for
but her. She has a permit to carry a handgun in California.
- Senator Ted
Kennedy (D-MA) who's for gun control- but one of his
was arrested for carrying a machine gun into the Senate.
(I think the man got off- to paraphrase Leona Helmsley, "Gun laws are
the little people," not wealthy and influental Senators and
O'Donnell; when she says "you aren't allowed to own a gun,"
she means you, not her (or her bodyguard)
- Washington Post columnist Carl
Rowan, who once said that anyone who owns an illegal
should go to jail. Rowan later shot a trespasser with an unregistered
but he managed to avoid going to jail. Of course, he's an influental
To paraphrase Leona Helmsley, "Gun laws are for the little people,"
not influental Washington Post columnists.
Bolgia 7: Thieves
The Thieves are tormented by snakes and reptiles.
- All "Make Money Fast" scammers, especially spammers
on the Internet
- Most car salesmen (new and
Bolgia 8: Evil Counselors
The Evil Counselors are imprisoned in great flames, which symbolize
own guilty consciences.
Hillary is having trouble with her Secret Service detail. They refuse
march around her house while carrying polearms and chanting, "Ho-re-oh!
Eeyo-hum!" Her Secret Service agents must escort her, however, so
going to Hogwarts School for broom-flying lessons. If it starts to rain
they are to throw themselves on top of her to protect her, for she must
not get wet; they are also to watch for cyclones that might drop houses
President First Lady Hillary
for her attempt to saddle the country with socialized medicine
- Lady Macbeth, with whom Hillary Clinton
frequently. (She says she communes with Joan of Arc and Eleanor
but we know differently. We think she has a hotline to Lucretia Borgia,
- Olympias, mother of Alexander the Great. Probably
Macedonian to murder Philip II, her ex-husband. Threw her rival's baby
into a fire (the baby was Philip's, and a rival to Alexander.) In a
interview, she said, "Lady Macbeth was a wimp." We think she's one of Hillary's
Bolgia 9: Sowers of Discord
The Sowers of Discord are punished by a demon who hacks them apart with
a bloody sword.
- Louis Farrakahn ("Judaism
"Bloodsucking Jews and White Interlopers" Sharpton
- All white supremacist organizations (KKK,
- All black supremacist organizations (Al Sharpton's National
- For that matter, all "anything" supremacist organizations
- Ayatollah Khomeini
campaign manager Donna Brazile for calling General Colin
Powell a "token"
- Jeremiah Wright, Barack Obama's racist pastor
- Al Sharpton
anti-Semitic and anti-Catholic hate organization
Bolgia 10: Falsifiers and Frauds
bearers of false witness, and liars in general).
Also sellers of fraudulent/unsafe products. The
and Frauds are punished by stench, filth, madness, and loathsome
Million Mom March
- Proprietors of "Make Money Fast" schemes on the Internet.
- The tobacco industry, which
a product that causes hundreds of thousands of deaths annually.
- Joe McCarthy
Gore, for trying to steal
the Presidential election.
- David Boies, for aiding and
attempt to steal the election
- William Daley, son of Richard
of the Voting
Dead" Daley Sr.
- Donna Dees-Thomases, organizer
of the Million
- Until a day or so before the march, the Million Moms
as a tax exempt 501(c)(3) organization, and a grassroots movement. 501(c)(3)s
are not permitted to endorse candidates, but the Million Moms
candidates with their "Apple Pie Award" page and condemned House
Whip Tom DeLay (R-TX) with their "Time Out Chair."
- Then the Million Moms announced that they had "decided"
to become a
action committee that would endorse candidates-- after accepting
tax-exempt donations. An innovative way to fund Hillary Clinton for
and Al Gore for
We've already seen the Buddhist temples, the Chinese soft money
and the misappropriation of union members' dues by labor bosses who
in bed with the Democratic National Committee. So now it's tax-exempt
and corporate donations, eh? The actual use of that money should be
- The Million Moms knowingly
and willfully lied to their marchers, sponsors, and media contacts
about "12 children a day" dying from gunfire. Rosie
O'Donnell also lied to her audience at the Million Mom March about
"12 children a day."
- "Ordinary mother" Donna Dees-Thomases is the
sister-in-law of Hillary
best friend, Susan Thomases. Any questions?
- New York Governor George Pataki, for
filing a lawsuit
against gun manufacturers. hey, George, why don't you join the
Party? Get out of the G.O.P.
- Same for New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and Attorney
General Andrew Cuomo, who have also proposed suing gun manufacturers.
- Durham District Attorney Mike Nifong.
- Also the Durham Dirtbag who accused the players but now
can't even remember if she was raped, and had DNA from several other
men (not the defendants) on her.
from Cardholder Services Credit card interest rate reduction
scam, with illegal telemarketing practices in the bargain.
- Luzerne County judges Mark
Ciavarella and Michael Conahan (or is that "Con Man?")
Ninth Circle: Cocytus (Compound Fraud, or Treason)
The Traitors are buried in a lake of ice. The depth of their burial
on their guilt.
Round One: Caina (Traitors to Kin)
Named for Cain, who murdered his brother
- Aggripina, who poisoned her husband, the Emperor Claudius,
so her son
could become Emperor.
- Nero, who murdered his mother Aggripina.
Round Two: Antenora (Traitors to Country)
- Lyndon Baines Johnson, for
the United States' armed forces in the Vietnam War (committing them and
then not giving them the resources and authority to win). It recently
out that LBJ knew the war was unwinnable (at least the way he
running it), but he kept fighting it to preserve his own political
Fonda, for posing in a North Vietnamese gun emplacement
during the Vietnam War.
(This is my opinion of Ms. Fonda's visit
to North Vietnam. It's quite likely that her action was not "treason"
law since the United States had not declared war on North Vietnam.) But
"Vietnam veterans aren't Fonda Jane"- and neither am I.
- Now, this is really punishment- put LBJ
and Jane Fonda
the ice side by side for eternity!
Global Warming Treaty, as currently written. Any Senator
who votes to ratify it belongs in Antenora. (That's one way to save
Cocytus, the Lake of Ice, isn't heated! No CO2 emissions
here!) See U.S. News & World Report, 12/22/97, page 48. The
United States must spend billions of dollars (i.e. its citizens must
billions of dollars) to shave a fraction of a billion metric tons of
dioxide from its emissions. But developing nations don't need to spend
anything. In fact, their emissions will double, treaty or no treaty.
China, for example, will be able to pollute as much as it wants
killing its own people, but that's never been a problem over there),
jobs from American workers (whose goods will be even less
because of the treaty's compliance costs.) Meanwhile, South American
can continue to cut down the rainforests, which play a key role in
carbon dioxide and making oxygen.
- John F. Kerry,
for giving the North Vietnamese and Viet Cong war crime confessions--
while American POWs were enduring torture rather than do the same
thing. Then he did the same thing to our men and women in Iraq, by
accusing them of "terrorizing" Iraqis.
- Filmmaker Michael Moore,
who is cheerleading for the Iraqi insurgents (he calls them Minutemen)
who are killing our soldiers
- Shadowy billionaire international financier (and, per a
French court's verdict, convicted inside trader) George Soros,
for wanting to turn American sovereignty over to the United
Round Three: Ptolomea (Traitors to Guests
- Macbeth, who murdered King Duncan while the latter was his
- Moammar Khadafy,
whose regime is threatening to execute several Bulgarian nurses and a
Palestinian doctor as scapegoats for an AIDS epidemic (noting that the
foreign aid workers were guests in his country, who were trying to help
Round Four: Judecca (Traitors to Benefactors)
Named, appropriately, for Judas
& Wesson, for its political sellout of its American
The Center of Hell: Satan
about being two-faced- actually, he should be chewing on a sinner
with each mouth, but there's a limit as to what can be done with clip
Anyway, he'd rather have a Big Mac in one, a Whopper in another, and
the third one free to tell whoppers.
- Refuses to enforce a Supreme Court ruling that prohibits
their members' dues for political campaigns- of course, given the
between some of the unions (management, not Joe and Jane Blue-Collar)
the Democratic National Committee, this is not surprising.
- Won't deploy missile defenses to keep Mainland China from
(as they mentioned that they could do during the Taiwan crisis)
- Tried to stick the country with socialized medicine
- See the editorial page of the Wall
Street Journal for periodic updates.
Bill Clinton jokes:
Explanation of industrial "cost of quality," using Bill Clinton:
Little Johnny called the Arkansas State Police and said, "I need you to
set me up with a woman."
- Prevention: Bill uses a condom
- Appraisal: Bill's girlfriend is tested for
- Internal failure (problem caught before leaving
girlfriend gets abortion
- External failure (problem gets sent to customer):
my Pa?" "Gone to the White House, ha ha ha!"
"What?" answered the dispatcher.
"I need you to set me up with a woman for sex," said Little
"Wait, we're the Arkansas State Police, and we arrest
pim---, uh, men who set other men up with women for sex. Anyway, aren't
you a bit young for that sort of thing, kid?"
"No, I want to be President of the United States when I grow up, and
I want to get an early start."
Little Johnny went to a motel in Arkansas, and he heard some
noises coming out of a room. Before he could investigate, he was
by a Secret Service agent. "You can't go in there, kid, that's the
The Secret Service hadn't secured the motel thoroughly, though. Little
Johnny climbed a tree and watched the proceedings through the room's
Afterward, he went home and told his father about his adventure.
"The President was in bed with this beautiful blonde in her early 20s,"
"You're too young to know what he was doing with her, though," answered
"No, I'm not," Little Johnny replied indignantly. "He was doing to
the blonde what he's been doing to the country since January
Someone asked a Republican why he had put a treadmill on top
of a manure
"I wanted to run on Bill Clinton's platform."
Update (10/21/11)! The Unga-Bunga Story
Barack Obama visited some Native Americans during a campaign tour, and
he gave a speech. "I promise you the most ethical administration in
country's history!" he declared.
"Unga-bunga, unga-bunga!" shouted the Indians.
"I will stand up for the common citizen!"
"Unga-bunga, unga-bunga!" answered the Indians. Now
thought he was on a roll.
"I will preserve the Social Security system and balance the
"Unga-bunga! Unga-bunga! Unga-bunga!"
Barack Obama walked through the town, he passed the Chief's house.
"That's a good-looking bull you've got there, Chief."
"Thank you, Mr. President. Bull called unga in our language.
Oh, be careful; don't step in the unga-bunga."
Washington DC is cancelling Halloween and Thanksgiving in
witch is moving to New York, and the turkey is going with her.
Want to see a highly offensive and grossly obscene joke? Just
Barack Obama's State of the Union address.
Quiz: Every Man Has
of the following incentives would be enough to get Bill Clinton to sell
out the vital interests of the United States (e.g. by adopting the
* the ones who call a strike, continue to collect their six-figure
and call any working guy or gal who crosses the picket line a scab.
- (a) Being allowed to gratify his lust for Paula Jones
- (b) $1 million in soft money from Mainland China, directed
National Committee's coffers (laundered, of course)
- (c) $1 million in soft money from organized labor bosses*
dues from rank-and-file blue collar workers and funneled to the DNC) in
exchange for not enforcing laws against using union member dues for
campaigns without their consent
- (d) A Big Mac
- (e) A Big Mac and fries
- (f) Any of the above