Hell Online

The Vestibule of Hell: Opportunists

• Bill Clinton
• John F. Kerry "I voted for the war before I voted against it!"
  

First Circle: Virtuous Pagans

Second Circle: The Carnal

• Air Force Lieutenant Kelly Flinn (forced to take a general discharge for adultery, lying, and disobeying orders). But she had a perfect defense for the first two charges: "I was following the example of the Scumbag, excuse me, Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces of the United States, Sir!"

Third Circle: The Gluttons

Cerberus

• Bill Clinton, also known as Slick Willie, consumes his Big Macs and Whoppers (as he tells whoppers)
• Al Sharpton, of Tawana Brawley fame. Oink, oink, oink....
• Sharpton and Company were the ones throwing accusations (later shown to be false) around Wappingers Falls, New York, accusing locals of raping Tawana Brawley.
  
• Filmmaker Michael Moore, who calls the Iraqi bomb-planters and head-choppers "Minutemen"
  
Rosie O'Donnell, who says,  "I don't care if you want to hunt. I don't care if you think it's your right. I say:  Sorry, it's 1999. We have had enough as a nation. You are not allowed to own a gun, and if you do own a gun I think you should go to prison." Well, Rosie, I think you should go to Hell -- and here you are!

Fourth Circle: Hoarders and Wasters

Fifth Circle: Wrathful and Sullen

Sixth Circle: Heretics

• The "Religious Right"

Seventh Circle, Round One: The Violent

• Yasser Arafat
• Hafaz Assad (Syria)
• Saddam Hussein (Iraq)
• Osama bin Laden, Al Qaeda
• Hideki Tojo
• Joseph Stalin
• Adolf Hitler 
• Moammar Khadafy (Libya)
• The Mainland Chinese government (Remember Tibet, Tianaman Square)
• Slobodan Milosevic
• Osama bin Laden
• Kim Jong Il
  

Seventh Circle, Round Two: The Violent Wasters (Squanderers and Destroyers of Goods)

• The Social Security pyramid scheme (squandering payments and writing IOUs instead of investing payments responsibly)

Seventh Circle, Round Three: Usurers and Violent Against Nature and Art

People who abuse racing greyhounds. Follow the link for more information on this issue..

Eighth Circle (Malebolge)

Bolgia 1: Panderers and Seducers

• Internet pornography spammers belong here.
• Bill Clinton: proven adulterer
• Jesse Jackson: proven adulterer

Bolgia 2: Flatterers

Typical spammer

• Hmmm, given this description, spammers(Internet bulk E-mailers) belong in this bolgia.

Bolgia 3: Simonaics (sellers of God's favors)

• Jim Bakker of the Pass the Loot, I mean, Praise the Lord, televangelist organization.
• In general, all the "Pay to Pray" televangelists.

Bolgia 4: Fortune Tellers and Diviners

• All 900-number "Psychic Hotlines"

Bolgia 5:  Grafters

• Ex-Congressman and chairman of the Ways and Means Committee (and convicted felon) Dan Rostenkowski, the Prince of Pork, and another friend of Bill Clinton. Remember how Dan tried to stick senior citizens with the bill for his national health insurance plan?
• Boss Tweed of Tammany Hall
• Bill Clinton, "money for pardons"

Bolgia 6: Hypocrites

Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA)

• Ex-Congressman (NY) (and now con, as in convicted felon) Mario Biaggi, who said that only police officers should have handguns. Biaggi (a congressman, not a police officer) owned two handguns.
• Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), who's fond of gun control- for everybody but her. She has a permit to carry a handgun in California.
• Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) who's for gun control- but one of his bodyguards was arrested for carrying a machine gun into the Senate. (I think the man got off- to paraphrase Leona Helmsley, "Gun laws are for the little people," not wealthy and influental Senators and their employees.)
• Rosie O'Donnell; when she says "you aren't allowed to own a gun," she means you, not her (or her bodyguard)
• Washington Post columnist Carl Rowan, who once said that anyone who owns an illegal handgun should go to jail. Rowan later shot a trespasser with an unregistered handgun, but he managed to avoid going to jail. Of course, he's an influental columnist. To paraphrase Leona Helmsley, "Gun laws are for the little people," not influental Washington Post columnists.

Bolgia 7: Thieves

• All "Make Money Fast" scammers, especially spammers on the Internet
• Most car salesmen (new and used)

Bolgia 8: Evil Counselors

• President First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton, for her attempt to saddle the country with socialized medicine
• Lady Macbeth, with whom Hillary Clinton communes frequently. (She says she communes with Joan of Arc and Eleanor Roosevelt, but we know differently. We think she has a hotline to Lucretia Borgia, too.)
• Olympias, mother of Alexander the Great. Probably encouraged a disgruntled Macedonian to murder Philip II, her ex-husband. Threw her rival's baby into a fire (the baby was Philip's, and a rival to Alexander.) In a recent interview, she said, "Lady Macbeth was a wimp." We think she's one of Hillary's confidantes, too.

Bolgia 9: Sowers of Discord

• Louis Farrakahn ("Judaism is a gutter religion")
• Al "Bloodsucking Jews and White Interlopers" Sharpton
  
• All white supremacist organizations (KKK, Aryan Nations)
• All black supremacist organizations
• For that matter, all "anything" supremacist organizations
• Ayatollah Khomeini
• Gore campaign manager Donna Brazile for calling General Colin Powell a "token"

Bolgia 10: Falsifiers and Frauds (counterfeiters,  bearers of false witness, and liars in general). 

• The Million Mom March
• Proprietors of "Make Money Fast" schemes on the Internet.
• The tobacco industry, which knowingly sells a product that causes hundreds of thousands of deaths annually.
• Joe McCarthy
• Albert Gore, for trying to steal the Presidential election.
• David Boies, for aiding and abetting Gore's attempt to steal the election
• William Daley, son of Richard "Night of the Voting Dead" Daley Sr.
• Donna Dees-Thomases, organizer of the Million Mom March.
• Until a day or so before the march, the Million Moms represented themselves as a tax exempt 501(c)(3) organization, and a grassroots movement. 501(c)(3)s are not permitted to endorse candidates, but the Million Moms praised candidates with their "Apple Pie Award" page and condemned House Majority Whip Tom DeLay (R-TX) with their "Time Out Chair." 
• Then the Million Moms announced that they had "decided" to become a political action committee that would endorse candidates-- after accepting supposedly tax-exempt donations. An innovative way to fund Hillary Clinton for Senate and Al Gore for President? We've already seen the Buddhist temples, the Chinese soft money donations, and the misappropriation of union members' dues by labor bosses who were in bed with the Democratic National Committee. So now it's tax-exempt individual and corporate donations, eh? The actual use of that money should be looked into.
• The Million Moms knowingly and willfully lied to their marchers, sponsors, and media contacts about "12 children a day" dying from gunfire. Rosie O'Donnell also lied to her audience at the Million Mom March about "12 children a day."
• "Ordinary mother" Donna Dees-Thomases is the sister-in-law of Hillary Clinton's best friend, Susan Thomases. Any questions?
• New York Governor George Pataki, for filing a lawsuit against gun manufacturers. hey, George, why don't you join the Democratic Party? Get out of the G.O.P.
• Same for New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and Attorney General Andrew Cuomo, who have also proposed suing gun manufacturers.
• Durham District Attorney Mike Nifong, if found guilty of concealing exculpatory evidence against the Duke lacrosse players.
• Also the Durham Dirtbag who accused the players but now can't even remember if she was raped, and had DNA from several other men (not the defendants) on her.
  

Ninth Circle: Cocytus (Compound Fraud, or Treason)

Round One: Caina (Traitors to Kin)

• Aggripina, who poisoned her husband, the Emperor Claudius, so her son Nero could become Emperor.
• Nero, who murdered his mother Aggripina.

Round Two: Antenora (Traitors to Country)

• Lyndon Baines Johnson, for his betrayal of the United States' armed forces in the Vietnam War (committing them and then not giving them the resources and authority to win). It recently came out that LBJ knew the war was unwinnable (at least the way he was running it), but he kept fighting it to preserve his own political career.
• Jane Fonda, for posing in a North Vietnamese gun emplacement during the Vietnam War. (This is my opinion of Ms. Fonda's visit to North Vietnam. It's quite likely that her action was not "treason" under law since the United States had not declared war on North Vietnam.) But "Vietnam veterans aren't Fonda Jane"- and neither am I.
• Now, this is really punishment- put LBJ and Jane Fonda in the ice side by side for eternity!
• The Global Warming Treaty, as currently written. Any Senator who votes to ratify it belongs in Antenora. (That's one way to save energy- Cocytus, the Lake of Ice, isn't heated! No CO₂ emissions down here!) See U.S. News & World Report, 12/22/97, page 48. The United States must spend billions of dollars (i.e. its citizens must spend billions of dollars) to shave a fraction of a billion metric tons of carbon dioxide from its emissions. But developing nations don't need to spend anything. In fact, their emissions will double, treaty or no treaty. Mainland China, for example, will be able to pollute as much as it wants (probably killing its own people, but that's never been a problem over there), and take jobs from American workers (whose goods will be even less competitive because of the treaty's compliance costs.) Meanwhile, South American countries can continue to cut down the rainforests, which play a key role in using carbon dioxide and making oxygen.
• John F. Kerry, for giving the North Vietnamese and Viet Cong war crime confessions-- while American POWs were enduring torture rather than do the same thing. Then he did the same thing to our men and women in Iraq, by accusing them of "terrorizing" Iraqis.
  
• Filmmaker Michael Moore, who is cheerleading for the Iraqi insurgents (he calls them Minutemen) who are killing our soldiers
• Shadowy billionaire international financier (and, per a French court's verdict, convicted inside trader) George Soros, for wanting to turn American sovereignty over to the United Nations. 
  

Round Three: Ptolomea (Traitors to Guests and Hosts)

• Macbeth, who murdered King Duncan while the latter was his guest.
• Moammar Khadafy, whose regime is threatening to execute several Bulgarian nurses and a Palestinian doctor as scapegoats for an AIDS epidemic (noting that the foreign aid workers were guests in his country, who were trying to help his people).
  

Round Four: Judecca (Traitors to Benefactors)

• Smith & Wesson, for its political sellout of its American firearm customers.

The Center of Hell: Satan

• Refuses to enforce a Supreme Court ruling that prohibits unions from stealing their members' dues for political campaigns- of course, given the relationship between some of the unions (management, not Joe and Jane Blue-Collar) and the Democratic National Committee, this is not surprising.
• Won't deploy missile defenses to keep Mainland China from nuking Los Angeles (as they mentioned that they could do during the Taiwan crisis)
• Tried to stick the country with socialized medicine (Hillarycare).
• See the editorial page of the Wall Street Journal for periodic updates.

Bill Clinton jokes: 

• Prevention: Bill uses a condom
• Appraisal: Bill's girlfriend is tested for pregnancy
• Internal failure (problem caught before leaving the factory): Bill's girlfriend gets abortion
• External failure (problem gets sent to customer): "Ma! Ma! Where's my Pa?" "Gone to the White House, ha ha ha!"

Little Johnny went to a motel in Arkansas, and he heard some strange noises coming out of a room. Before he could investigate, he was stopped by a Secret Service agent. "You can't go in there, kid, that's the President." 
The Secret Service hadn't secured the motel thoroughly, though. Little Johnny climbed a tree and watched the proceedings through the room's window. Afterward, he went home and told his father about his adventure. 
"The President was in bed with this beautiful blonde in her early 20s," Johnny said. 
"You're too young to know what he was doing with her, though," answered his father. 
"No, I'm not," Little Johnny replied indignantly. "He was doing to the blonde what he's been doing to the country since January 1993." 

Someone asked a Republican why he had put a treadmill on top of a manure cart. 
"I wanted to run on Bill Clinton's platform." 

Washington DC is cancelling Halloween and Thanksgiving in 2001. The witch is moving to New York, and the turkey is going with her.

Want to see a highly offensive and grossly obscene joke? Just watch Bill Clinton's State of the Union address.

Quiz: Every Man Has His Price.Which of the following incentives would be enough to get Bill Clinton to sell out the vital interests of the United States (e.g. by adopting the Global Warming Treaty)? 

• (a) Being allowed to gratify his lust for Paula Jones
• (b) $1 million in soft money from Mainland China, directed to the Democratic National Committee's coffers (laundered, of course)
• (c) $1 million in soft money from organized labor bosses* (stolen via extra dues from rank-and-file blue collar workers and funneled to the DNC) in exchange for not enforcing laws against using union member dues for political campaigns without their consent
• (d) A Big Mac
• (e) A Big Mac and fries
• (f) Any of the above

• New York Mayor Rudolph Guliani (formerly in the 10th Bolgia), for filing a frivolous and dishonest lawsuit against firearm manufacturers. He also belongs in Hell for allowing rioters to assault innocent citizens in Central Park, just like his predecessor David Dinkins allowed rioters to trash Crown Heights. However, he did a sterling job in the aftermath of the vicious terrorist attacks of 9/11, so he has been moved to Purgatory to reflect his redemption.

• Margaret Thatcher. Queen Elizabeth I would have been proud.
• Catherine II, "The Great," of Russia
• Wanted to eliminate serfdom (but there was too much resistance from the nobles). Refused the title "The Great" during her lifetime. Had a new smallpox vaccine tested on herself before giving it to her subjects. The story about the horse falling on her was apparently French propaganda.
• The Founding Fathers of the United States.
• Robert A. Heinlein, whose science fiction works illustrate the Libertarian philosophy.
• Philip K. Howard, author of "The Death of Common Sense."
• Alan Greenspan, Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board: responsible for the nation's economic prosperity. (Bill Clinton, of course, tried to take the credit.)
• Rush Limbaugh. Self-explanatory.
• Michael Savage. Self-explanatory
• Sean Hannity. Self-explanatory
• Columnist Thomas Sowell. Self-explanatory
• Walter Williams
• Roy Innis
• Ward Connerly
• Dorothy Rabinowitz, the Wall Street Journal columnist who exposed the Nifonging of the Amiraults and Grant Snowden on false child molestation charges by ambitious and allegedly less-than-scrupulous prosecutors.