Internet Sideshow: Spammers as Sideshow Freaks

Ten Little Spammers

by Uncle Romulus

Hit Me with Your Best Spam (Apologies to Pat Benatar)

Well, you've got real tough cookies and a long history
Of filling up my e-mail with your UCE
Before I put another notch in my golden hammer
Let's see what we can do about this LinkExchange banner

Hit me with your best spam
Hit me with your best spam
Hit me with your best spam
Fire away

Come on with revenge spams, you don't fight fair
But that's okay - see if I care
Forge my name, it's all in vain
I'm only gonna pull your plug again

Hit me with your best spam
Come on and hit me with your best spam
Hit me with your best spam
Fire away

Well, you had real tough cookies but now you're history
You've lost all your accounts and most of your money
Don't go whining, now don't be a bore
'Cause what used to be your website's now a 404

Hit me with your best spam
Come on and hit me with your best spam
Hit me with your best spam
Fire away
Hey hey

Ralsky's Computer Bank (to the tune of "Alice's Restaurant")

"You can get any spam that's rank, from Ralsky's computer bank.
You can get any spam that's rank, from Ralsky's computer bank.
Drive right by; his Jag is dark.
He just came out of a trailer park.
You can get any spam that's rank, from Ralsky's computer bank."

Deck the Net with spammer corpses
Falalalala-lala-la-la
'Tis the time to be remorseless
Falalalala-lala-la-la
Wield we now our wooden mallets
Falala-lalala-la-la-la
Pound the "Pinks" to little fragments
Falalalala-lala-la-la

To spam, or not to spam: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mailer to suffer
The spams and frauds of outrageous IPOs,
Or to take arms against a sea of chickenboners,
And by opposing end them? To block: to RBL;
No more; and by an RBL to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand email shocks
That AOL is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To block, to RBL;
To RBL: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that UDP what dreams may come
When we have blacklisted these mortal sysadmins,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of such open relays;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of SMTP,
The spammers's wrong, the DMA's contumely,
The pangs of despised backbones, the law's delay,
The insolence of internic and the bounces
That patient merit of the Lumber Cartel takes,
When he himself might his spamhaus make
With a bare T1? who would dial-ups bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary server?
But that the hope of MAKE MONEY FAST,
The undiscover'd country from whose (after)bourn
No spammer returns, cheers the will.
And makes us rather bear those ISPs we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus spam does make net-cops of us all;
And thus the native hope of peace
Is sicklied o'er with the talk of lawyers,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their customers turn away,
And lose the faith of opt-in - Spam you know!
The fair Fidelity! Amazon, Micro$oft, and Real et al
Be all thy sins remember'd.

rgds, Alan

The Spam is my shepherd; I shall not want.
It maketh me to lie down with BaReLY-18-SLuTZ!!!!!!.
It leadeth me into the pyramid schemes.
It restoreth my nausea.

It leadeth me in the paths of inconvenience for Its profitsake.
Although I walk through the valley of the anti-Spam campaigns,
I will fear not a clean mailbox; for the Spam is with me.

Its scams and Its schemes, they grate me.
It preparest a vat of tripe before me in the presence of my real e-mail.
It anoints my Internet bill with bandwidth surcharges.
My mailbox runneth over.
Surely $50,000 IN 5 DAYS!!! and XXX WHORES!!!!! shall follow me all the
days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Spammer forever.

Join the Net-NAZI SS (Spam Stompers)

We have been compared to Net Nazis for so long that I think we should fulfill the spammers' direst predictions. Now I give you our Fuhrer, Ad-TOS LARTler, who will provide the platform of the NAZI (Net Abuse Zealous Interceptors) Party.

1. Anti-spammers are the Herrenvolk (Master Race)
2. Spammers are the Untermenschen (subhumans). The subhumans come in various forms like 419 scammers, phishers, pharmacy spammers, Rolex counterfeiters, and OEM software pirates but they are all lower than cockroaches!
3. We support a Final Solution involving the total extermination of all the spammers that are infesting the Internet's Liebensraum (living space or more precisely bandwidth).
4. We must behave toward spammers so as to bring back memories of Attila the Hun! (Actually this was from the Kaiser but it fits the Germanic theme.)
5. The SS (Spam Stompers) are the elite combat unit of the NetNAZI Party!

HEIL LARTLER! HAIL VICTORY (over spam)!

As someday it may happen that real email I may get
I've got a little list, I've got a little list.
Of Internet providers who keep a spammer as a pet.
They really make me pissed, they really make me pissed.

There's the pestilential nuisances who write "Make money fast!"
Like I've never seen a pyramid scheme and think that it would last
Pornographers who send their pics of bottoms, boobs and thighs
All those who think that I need breasts and penis super-sized--
And those writing using characters where I can't get the gist -
They'll none of them be missed, they'll none of them be missed!

CHORUS: He's got them on the list, he's got them on the list
And they'll none of them be missed, they'll none of them be missed.

Those selling herbal remedies that might kill, and never cure
The no-prescription pharmacist - I've got him on the list
Viagra peddlers, septic tank meddlers, and any cause de jour

There's the idiot who seems to think that you might want to do
To a million other mailboxes what he's just done to you.
And the fellow from Nigeria, who had his uncle die
He can't get the stolen money out, but thinks you ought to try.
And all the comeons from the "Married women who like to tryst!"
I don't think they'd be missed-- I'm sure they'd not be missed!

CHORUS: He's got them on the list, he's got them on the list.
And I don't think they'll be missed, I'm sure they'll not be missed.

Descramblers of the cable type, to watch pay-per-view for free
"See Sly Stallone in F.I.S.T!"  I've got that on my list!
And the deranged college co-eds, who think you want to watch them pee.
They'd none of them be missed - they'd none of them be missed.
Any mail from ISPs of compromised and -mising kind
Like "Blowupnet" and thing-gum-bob, and likewise - never mind.
And "Optin anything", and that provider with two U's,
The hard work of making up the list I'd rather leave to SPEWS
Because it really doesn't matter who they put upon the list
They will none of them be missed - they'll none of them be missed.

CHORUS: You may put them on the list, you may put them on the list;
 And they'll none of 'em be missed - they'll none of them be missed!

Where do spammers go when they die?
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly
They go to the lake of fire and fry
Won't see them again 'till the fourth of July

I knew a lady who came from Dunedin
In the WSJ Betterly confessed her sin
Laura went to her grave not a little too soon
The "grave" being my blacklist, where there's always some room

Where do spammers go when they die?
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly
They go to the lake of fire and fry
Won't see them again 'till the fourth of July

I knew a man who came from Boca Raton ("Ra-tone")
Busted for cocaine trafficking... money laundering, that's very well known
Into the world's biggest spammer Marin's now grown
But for his sins, one day even Eddy'll atone

Where do spammers go when they die?
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly
They go to the lake of fire and fry
Won't see them again 'till the fourth of July

Spammers cry and spammers moan
As they look for a bulletproof host to call their home
So they can bulk out crap to "enlarge your bone"
While the admins and the antis try to shut them all down

Where do spammers go when they die?
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly
They go to the lake of fire and fry
Won't see them again 'till the fourth of July
 

As I never post, someone I send 'em to always seems to do it for me.  But 
feel free to add if worthy.

Keep up the fight!

A Postmaster

Oooo you cannot spam me now,
Oooo no matter how you try.
Goodbye you spammers, it’s over.
Walk on by.

Sitting at my keyboard,
Here behind my firewall,
Waiting for the spammers to come. ( spammers to come. )
In perfect isolation,
Here behind my firewall,
Waiting for the  spammers to come. ( spammers to come. )

Waiting, to cut out the phishers.
Waiting, to clean up the pirates.
Waiting, to follow the  spammers.
Waiting, to pick up a wooden mallet.
Waiting, to weed out the Viagra-sellers.
Waiting, to smash in their Web sites and kick in their accounts.
Waiting, for the Final Solution to clean up the Net.
Waiting, to follow the spammers.
Waiting, to turn on the traceroutes and fire up the LARTs.
Waiting, for the phishers and the mugus and the 419s and the pinks.
Waiting, to follow the  spammers.

Would you like to see the Internet,
free again, my friend?
All you have to do is follow the spammers.
Would you like to send the Viagra spammers,
to Hell, my friend?
All you need to do is follow the spammers.

Caedo, Ergo Sum = "I kill [spammers' accounts], therefore I am"