Mayor Richard Daley's Rape Mitigation Kit

Mayor Richard Daley's
Chicago Rape Mitigation Kit
Coming to Northbrook at the July 25 town meeting

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Rape is an ugly, degrading, and violent crime. Rapists are usually much bigger and stronger than their female victims, but they're no match for handguns. Handgun Control Incorporated and Richard Daley will tell you, however, that handguns are bad. So here's what you can use when they ban handguns in Northbrook:

Much, much cheaper than a handgun!
Much lighter, too! Less than an ounce, versus a few pounds for a gun.
No license needed to carry, even in Chicago!
Extra ones can be used for consensual relations with your significant other; extra bullets just go to waste.
Reduces the risks of unwanted pregnancy, venereal disease, and AIDS that are associated with rape!
Ribbed and lubricated for YOUR pleasure, so you can LIE BACK AND ENJOY IT!

All you need to do is ask (did we misspell "beg?") your assailant to put one on before he violates your body! Now, you may have some doubts as to whether your attacker, who won't take "No" for an answer, will comply with your request. Handgun Control Incorporated and Mayor Daley assure you that he will obey a handgun ban, so he will doubtlessly agree to put on a condom before he rapes you.

I'm sure Mayor Daley would advise you to call 911, assuming that the rapist doesn't cut the telephone wire or pull the phone out of your hand before you can dial. Also, "Under Illinois law, city and county governments are generally not liable for failing to supply police protection." (Richard W. Stevens, attorney at law, "Dial 911 and Die: The Shocking Truth about the Police Protection Myth," available from Jews for the Preservation of Firearms Ownership.) In other words, if you obey a handgun ban and you're attacked, and the police don't respond, you're out of luck.

A better idea to rid Northbrook of violent crime: Redirect criminals to Evanston, Morton Grove, and Mayor Daley's city. These places already ban handguns, so robbers, killers, and rapists will be much happier and safer there. Northbrook could even post Metra schedules for the criminals' benefit.

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